Tag: connection

Irritating behavior

Have you ever made a phone call, full of righteous fire, ready to tell someone how their …incompetence, tardiness, error, etc., ruined your life (read – was an inconvenience) only to discover that actually, that person was doing their very best and really hard things had happened to them, making your inconvenience seem… ludicrous?

No, me neither.

Just kidding. To be completely clear, it doesn’t happen often to me, because generally I’m pretty good at asking “what might have happened that makes this behavior make sense?” but not always. And when I’m more stressed, it’s much more likely to happen.

Well, I did it today, picked up the phone and called someone to express my irritation, only to find that someone had had a serious medical problem that impacted their work. Which led to my inconvenience.

Now, to be fair to myself, I’ve had a lot of small irritations lately. Nothing life threatening or anything like that, but even small irritations have a cumulative load. And when that happens, any one of us might find ourselves expressing that irritation, perhaps unfairly.

What do I do when that happens? I try to own my own irritation, which hopefully provides some safety for the person on the other end – I’m not here to ruin their lives. Something like, “I have been having a tough week so it really surprised/upset me to learn…”

I express concern as honestly as I can – “oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that” which hopefully allows for some connection, in the “I see you and what you are going through” kind of way.

And finally I try to find a way to create a sense of agency…for me, for them, for whomever I can manage. In my life, usually these things happen with people who are providing a service to me (calling comcast for my mother-in-law, calling insurance companies about benefits) so there isn’t always a way for me to offer that person agency, but I can try. Sometimes I say, “I understand and just wondering if there is a better way for me to (fill in the blank – to get what I need)?”

Maybe I offer one of these:  

Should I email?

Is there a better email address?

Is it better if I call?

Is there a better person to contact about issues like this?

I think this also increases a sense of safety for the other person, maybe it helps them understand I am not irritated at them personally and I am looking for solutions. AND it gives me a little bit of agency, because it might give me other options if it happens again.

What do y’all do if you discover there is a really good reason behind someone else’s “irritating” behavior?

Connections

I just want to start by saying that I am addicted to my phone as anyone else (TJ probably takes the most heat for this, so my apologies, honey) given the right circumstances. I know that it isn’t our fault, that phones and apps are designed to make us want them, to feel like we need them. They use dopamine against us, as well as the brain’s tendency to focus on the negative (some info on this from Tristan Harris).

I didn’t know much about this until my mom called me one day pretty upset over some puppies that had been found in bag in a field.

Me: Wait, which puppies? Who found them?

Mommy: I don’t know, I don’t think they were speaking in English.

Me: (suspicion creeping in – she once spent at least 10 tearful minutes telling me about a horse being treated miserably before I recognized the 1946 movie Black Beauty) Where did you see this?

Mommy: Tube! (which is how she refers to YouTube)

I looked up the video, discovered it was at least two years old, found the original poster and the follow up video that most of the puppies survived and made it into happy homes. After…

Me: How did you start watching that video, anyway?

Mommy: Well, I was looking at cute puppies, you know, like Blessing (her Pomeranian at the time). They are so funny and small! And then another video and another and then this one. Oh, so sad.

YouTube claimed at some point to make changes to the algorithm but who knows?

All of that to say, I know this isn’t about poor choices or some inborn “addictive tendency,” or even “this generation.” The whole thing is very much designed to keep us online.

Once I realized it, I have done what I can to resist it. I rarely open Tube except for specific videos. I don’t turn on notifications on my phone. I keep the ringer (all sounds, really) turned off on my phone. I have used various apps (I know, ironic, right?) over the years to keep track of my time online or to shut down automatically at 9 pm. I have the timer set on my phone these days to turn off social media after 20 minutes. It almost always surprises me when it pops up.

Meanwhile, I was recently out of town and stayed with a local family. Luckily, my housemate was terrific – we connected right from the first day. We spoke every day, sometimes for literal hours at a time. Then I got sick. My host family and housemate were rightly concerned about getting sick themselves and so I was more or less quarantined in my room.

I listened to audiobooks, but often I do that while doing other things, like chores or driving. I found myself unlocking my phone over and over again to do random searches (some prompted by the book but others just random things that popped into my head). I had to stop and reverse many times because I wasn’t really listening. I found myself reading an email from REI – like ALL the little blurbs. Did I mention I had very little internet? Yeah, that was what was saving me from social media. Without the near endless scroll of social media what I had was: incessant checking of email, reading emails I would usually just delete, crossword puzzles, other word puzzles and incessant checking of email.*

What was missing from my days that led to this drastic change in behavior? People. Like my awesome housemate (plus all my people at home). Humans are hard-wired for connection – we crave it more than food – and not having any was leading me to look for it in my phone. Sadly, mostly what I got from my phone were advertisements – both the obvious and the more subtle. It’s true I also had Signal messages and WhatsApps that helped so much, but I really did refresh my email feed every time I picked up my phone.

You might be asking, what’s your point, doc? My point is, if you notice people around you (because I’m sure you would never) who seem a little too interested in their phones, consider what points of human connection they have access too. For some folks, online connection is the bulk of their contact with other humans. If you aren’t sure, think about how you could help increase those points. TJ and I hosted our first block party about a month ago and we are planning a second one next month, in part to build just that, a bit of human connection. Showing up to events at your local library is another option – those events are harder to continue to host if no one shows up!  Just by attending, you are helping maintain access points for others. Hosting a game night, or inviting people to a live music event – there are so many options. As humans, we need other humans. Let’s do what we can to create and maintain these human connections. What do you do to connect?

*I know I said this twice. It really was incessant

Image shows a red background with multiple rows of cell phones with white screens.