Have you ever made a phone call, full of righteous fire, ready to tell someone how their …incompetence, tardiness, error, etc., ruined your life (read – was an inconvenience) only to discover that actually, that person was doing their very best and really hard things had happened to them, making your inconvenience seem… ludicrous?

No, me neither.

Just kidding. To be completely clear, it doesn’t happen often to me, because generally I’m pretty good at asking “what might have happened that makes this behavior make sense?” but not always. And when I’m more stressed, it’s much more likely to happen.

Well, I did it today, picked up the phone and called someone to express my irritation, only to find that someone had had a serious medical problem that impacted their work. Which led to my inconvenience.

Now, to be fair to myself, I’ve had a lot of small irritations lately. Nothing life threatening or anything like that, but even small irritations have a cumulative load. And when that happens, any one of us might find ourselves expressing that irritation, perhaps unfairly.

What do I do when that happens? I try to own my own irritation, which hopefully provides some safety for the person on the other end – I’m not here to ruin their lives. Something like, “I have been having a tough week so it really surprised/upset me to learn…”

I express concern as honestly as I can – “oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that” which hopefully allows for some connection, in the “I see you and what you are going through” kind of way.

And finally I try to find a way to create a sense of agency…for me, for them, for whomever I can manage. In my life, usually these things happen with people who are providing a service to me (calling comcast for my mother-in-law, calling insurance companies about benefits) so there isn’t always a way for me to offer that person agency, but I can try. Sometimes I say, “I understand and just wondering if there is a better way for me to (fill in the blank – to get what I need)?”

Maybe I offer one of these:  

Should I email?

Is there a better email address?

Is it better if I call?

Is there a better person to contact about issues like this?

I think this also increases a sense of safety for the other person, maybe it helps them understand I am not irritated at them personally and I am looking for solutions. AND it gives me a little bit of agency, because it might give me other options if it happens again.

What do y’all do if you discover there is a really good reason behind someone else’s “irritating” behavior?