Y’all. This world is…something else. I am still moved to tears on a regular basis about what we (the US as well as other countries) are doing in the name of…what? Capitalism? I don’t understand, honestly, how people can continue to act as if nothing is happening. I am doing all the things I know how to do in terms of boycotting and avoiding companies. I am speaking up whenever and where ever I can. And yet I still feel…hopeless. And ridiculous as I try to make videos and write stories for children.
This week I read One Day, Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This, by Omar El Akkad. It’s a deeply personal look at the ongoing crisis in Gaza and the way we, as part of Western civilization are managing – whether we are complicit, witnessing or actively looking away. It was a tough read.
And yet, it’s not all dark. He writes about things people are doing, boycotting and walking away from jobs, students denouncing their universities and others refusing to participate with their dollars in other ways. He writes about the responses of those in power – their shock and dismissiveness. Here’s a quote:
“The idea that walking away is childish and unproductive is predicated on the inability to imagine anything but a walking away from, never a walking away toward—never that there might exist another destination. The walking away is not nihilism, it’s not cynicism, it’s not doing nothing—it’s a form of engagement more honest, more soul-affirming, than anything the system was ever prepared to offer.”
Even as I continue to participate in the ways I have been, I am going to shift my own language away from the things I’m resisting. From now on I want to focus on the things I’m turning towards, smaller businesses, local community and building stronger interpersonal networks. I’m turning towards the arts and whatever joy and understanding I can muster. What are the ideas you are turning towards in this maelstrom?
Image is of a lightning storm at night – it’s dark and cloudy and the lightning looks pink.
Ever had a child swear at you? No, not that kid, not the kid that you just told, “Close the chromebook,” or “Time for bed.” I’m talking about the child who swears at you and then afterwards you are left thinking, “What did I do?”
Swearing is an important part of communication, and I am a fan. I know not everyone is, but I find that it can convey a sense of community (in the right circumstance) and of course, adds emphasis to what we’re saying. There is a whole continuum of swearing, with people who swear so much that the emphasis part of that gets somewhat diluted, and people who never utter swear words, and I respect that choice.
Children swearing, though, is often seen as distinctly different. Some people believe that children should not be allowed to swear, and if we do pretend we cannot hear them swearing on the playground, that at the very least they are NOT to swear at adults.
I generally have a pretty relaxed attitude about it. I have long told children that if they are going to swear in front of me (in my office or in my own family), they can swear ABOUT things, but they may not swear AT people, or call them by swear names (no calling names is a regular rule in my office, so “swear names” is just a continuation of that rule). When kids are following those rules, I really don’t mind when they swear. Even if they are mad at me and using all kinds of swears.
Why doesn’t it bother me much? It doesn’t because I know if a child is throwing around those heavy words, they must feel pretty powerless. I understand that even adults who use those words in the context of a power differential, real or perceived, are doing so in order to exert some power of their own.
Full transparency – it does bother me more with teens and adults – but I still think that words used in an effort to hurt say much more about the person saying them than they say about me.
Image shows Maite laying on the deck from last summer. Her tongue is out and she looks relaxed. She is a great swearer.
I just want to start by saying that I am addicted to my phone as anyone else (TJ probably takes the most heat for this, so my apologies, honey) given the right circumstances. I know that it isn’t our fault, that phones and apps are designed to make us want them, to feel like we need them. They use dopamine against us, as well as the brain’s tendency to focus on the negative (some info on this from Tristan Harris).
I didn’t know much about this until my mom called me one day pretty upset over some puppies that had been found in bag in a field.
Me: Wait, which puppies? Who found them?
Mommy: I don’t know, I don’t think they were speaking in English.
Me: (suspicion creeping in – she once spent at least 10 tearful minutes telling me about a horse being treated miserably before I recognized the 1946 movie Black Beauty) Where did you see this?
Mommy: Tube! (which is how she refers to YouTube)
I looked up the video, discovered it was at least two years old, found the original poster and the follow up video that most of the puppies survived and made it into happy homes. After…
Me: How did you start watching that video, anyway?
Mommy: Well, I was looking at cute puppies, you know, like Blessing (her Pomeranian at the time). They are so funny and small! And then another video and another and then this one. Oh, so sad.
YouTube claimed at some point to make changes to the algorithm but who knows?
All of that to say, I know this isn’t about poor choices or some inborn “addictive tendency,” or even “this generation.” The whole thing is very much designed to keep us online.
Once I realized it, I have done what I can to resist it. I rarely open Tube except for specific videos. I don’t turn on notifications on my phone. I keep the ringer (all sounds, really) turned off on my phone. I have used various apps (I know, ironic, right?) over the years to keep track of my time online or to shut down automatically at 9 pm. I have the timer set on my phone these days to turn off social media after 20 minutes. It almost always surprises me when it pops up.
Meanwhile, I was recently out of town and stayed with a local family. Luckily, my housemate was terrific – we connected right from the first day. We spoke every day, sometimes for literal hours at a time. Then I got sick. My host family and housemate were rightly concerned about getting sick themselves and so I was more or less quarantined in my room.
I listened to audiobooks, but often I do that while doing other things, like chores or driving. I found myself unlocking my phone over and over again to do random searches (some prompted by the book but others just random things that popped into my head). I had to stop and reverse many times because I wasn’t really listening. I found myself reading an email from REI – like ALL the little blurbs. Did I mention I had very little internet? Yeah, that was what was saving me from social media. Without the near endless scroll of social media what I had was: incessant checking of email, reading emails I would usually just delete, crossword puzzles, other word puzzles and incessant checking of email.*
What was missing from my days that led to this drastic change in behavior? People. Like my awesome housemate (plus all my people at home). Humans are hard-wired for connection – we crave it more than food – and not having any was leading me to look for it in my phone. Sadly, mostly what I got from my phone were advertisements – both the obvious and the more subtle. It’s true I also had Signal messages and WhatsApps that helped so much, but I really did refresh my email feed every time I picked up my phone.
You might be asking, what’s your point, doc? My point is, if you notice people around you (because I’m sure you would never) who seem a little too interested in their phones, consider what points of human connection they have access too. For some folks, online connection is the bulk of their contact with other humans. If you aren’t sure, think about how you could help increase those points. TJ and I hosted our first block party about a month ago and we are planning a second one next month, in part to build just that, a bit of human connection. Showing up to events at your local library is another option – those events are harder to continue to host if no one shows up! Just by attending, you are helping maintain access points for others. Hosting a game night, or inviting people to a live music event – there are so many options. As humans, we need other humans. Let’s do what we can to create and maintain these human connections. What do you do to connect?
*I know I said this twice. It really was incessant
Image shows a red background with multiple rows of cell phones with white screens.
Lately I find myself sitting with a feeling of absolute disbelief with a side of despair. I haven’t posted much about what’s going on in the world because I feel like I don’t always understand what’s happening, but I do regularly repost videos and posts on insta from sources I trust. These are folks who have done their research, and I appreciate their work so much. Having an explanation can give us a place to work from – a way to identify where we might have agency. And a sense of agency is important. When we fall (or are pushed) into the feeling that nothing we do will make a difference, we are immobilized. For individuals, feeling like we don’t have voice or choice increases anxiety and/or depression. It decreases creativity and motivation. It can keep us from trying new things, from food to ideas. It adds a sense of hopelessness – of being stuck. There are people with more power than you or I that like nothing better than when people feel stuck and without recourse.
This week I heard about the 48 Counties in Totonicapan that gather together monthly to decide what best for the people in that region, and it gave me a sense of hope. That organizing does work. That what we do can make a difference.
I’m always interested in what gives other people hope. Let us know in the comments!
If you are interested in following other folks: @ykreborn @lynaevanee @resmaamenakem @blairimani @ibramxk @wkamaubell @sogoreatelandtrust @asianmentalhealthcollective @prentishemphill @missxtinab
Image shows the wall of a shop covered in brightly colored shirts from the market in Totonicapan.
…wherever you go, there you are. TJ (Caitlin) calls me The Ruiner, and it’s a title that I hold with pride. IYKYK. However, noticing racism, ableism, sexism and other oppressions takes a toll. TJ and I went on a cruise, y’all, and I had no idea what to expect. Neither one of us has ever done it, but this was our idea of a vacation that combined travel with a special interest, so we decided to go for it.
I’m not sure why I was surprised to find that this floating hotel was a small microcosm of the US. Or maybe a slice of rich mostly United Statesians. Yes, there were people there from other places, but we mostly ran into yt people from the US. Also, if you are looking for the highlights, you’ll have to scroll to the picture at the bottom.
The whole trip started out rocky because they (the cruise line AND the Star Trek folks) refused to make the printed material accessible to Caitlin. All they had to do was email her the things! I know that those documents exist in e-form, because they were printed out and left in our rooms every day. I’m guessing they were printed before we left shore, so they could have, in theory, emailed her everything before we left. Yes, I know things can change, but they could have said, This is how things stand right now, and the schedule is subject to change. It’s not that hard. And I suspect that kind of accommodation would be helpful for many people, not just blindies.
And speaking of accommodations – I saw a number of so-called service dogs on the boat. I know, I know, there’s no way to tell from over where I am what those dogs were there to do. There are MANY ways a dog can provide a service that I would not be able to see. That said, I saw several that I had serious doubts about. The thing is, if I had doubts, other people also had doubts. I’m not saying people cannot have their service dogs with them. At all. But there are people who game the system and convince someone that their dog qualifies. If that dog then behaves badly, it makes it that much harder for people with actual service dogs to get access later.
Meanwhile….colonizer vibes were everywhere. Almost all of the people working on the ship were BIPOC. Wait staff, cleaners, stewards and cooks, all BIPOC and working with a level of invisibility that I found super uncomfortable. Passengers (mostly yt) walked past them without a word, so much so that when we greeted people they seemed surprised that we noticed them. We heard one woman tell the wait staff that he needed to have his eyes checked, and asked if he was blind because he jokingly told her he needed to see her ID when she ordered wine. I met someone just before the trip who had worked on cruises before and they told me that they don’t make much money and that tips would likely be appreciated – but twice employees told us that the tip was too high, and tried to give it back.
The whole thing was extremely wasteful, too. Given that the food is included, I knew there would be waste, but it was more than I imagined. We made it to breakfast just once (it was a vacation, y’all. Don’t judge) and as we were going out I saw a man scooping yogurt out of the cup and into a bucket. Straight to the trash. I get it, once they’ve put them into those cups with fruit, they can’t save them for the next day, but there were another dozen cups waiting for him. Every day I saw many people leaving piles of food on the table as they left the dining area.
The steward was prepared to change our towels twice a day! And sheets once a day. I told him that wasn’t necessary for us, but walking down the corridor our room was on I saw people removing piles of towels and linens from the same rooms every day.
Image shows TJ gleefully petting a dolphin. She was the only one in our group that got to tickle a dolphin and the resulting vocalizations were awesome.
All of these things are present in my everyday life – but on a boat out in the middle of the ocean – there was no respite. I loved being able to spend pretty much every minute with TJ. I was happy to watch her enjoy the Wave Rider and go down the water slide. I enjoyed some panels and Tim Russ jamming with his band. We got to hang out with dolphins which, while also fraught, was a fantastic experience. We walked around holding hands for hours every day. We read and talked and laughed. I love her dearly and appreciated every minute of our time together. AND I was VERY ready to get off that boat at the end of the trip. TJ and I really have co-created a life that I love, and I feel fortunate for every minute of it.
Sometimes, all you want is a simple site to put your thoughts. One that you don’t have to attach a lot of caveats to. Or maybe that’s just me. I’m so ready for a place that’s just for us.
dot doc n roc 